Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.