@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

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@TuffyNyC

“Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water.” Really? Maybe cus that’s where the ppl are u idiots.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@ThugRaccoons

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

@AtticusFinch79

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@DadandBuried

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL