How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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“Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water.” Really? Maybe cus that’s where the ppl are u idiots.
Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans