@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

- @jwoodham

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@MNateShyamalan

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

@david8hughes

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

@murrman5

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

@omgthatspunny

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

@eminmien

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@joejwest

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

@SladeWentworth

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

@rebrafsim

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower