If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I feel attacked.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.