I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars