@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

@JPLFR80

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars