Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*


Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..


[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?


me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check

friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit

me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me


Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.


Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.


[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.