Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.




Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you


Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.


I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.


Hostess: Table for one?


Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.


It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.


My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars