@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

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@LilBlueBlood

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

@david8hughes

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

@RevHughGRection

me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check

friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit

me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.