The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
reduce, reuse, recycle
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.