Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me: here, take the eggs too
If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.