Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
thank god
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This kid is going places
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.