Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”