Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge