Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one