@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

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@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

@julcasagrande

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@JohnLyonTweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

@HeyZeus666

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

@CarpeDeann

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

@iamblackmamba76

A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.