Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
how it started vs how it ended
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED