Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.