instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

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Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?


Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho


Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction


Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.


“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”