instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”