Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao