@ericspeaksout

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

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@Darlainky

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@FlyoverJoel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

@tuckerflodman

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

@wesjohnson8

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.