Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
All generalizations are stupid.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!