Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
You Might Also Like
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster