Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me