Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You Might Also Like
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this