@iAmGolfy

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

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@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.

@glenc217

Plot twist:

My avi is human, but I’m a cartoon in real life.

@English_Channel

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

@Michael1979

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

@genehunter1

I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.

@underchilde

[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.

@fuzzlime

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument