Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.


I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.


Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.


My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.


Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.


[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?


idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions


I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume