Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Nomnomnomnom
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Human are so complicated