Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Pringles
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me, after any kind of buffet.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work