Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Siri, fight Alexa.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up