@rolldiggity

Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.

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@Parkerlawyer

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@CarpentersCrack

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

@Phook75

No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately

@Contwixt

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@TheHyyyype

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.