INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.