Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Happy thanksgiving
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments