Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE