Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
こいつ天才
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.