@Eric_Bader

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

You Might Also Like

@nachdermas

i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.