Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.


5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*


HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.


*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.


Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.


I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.