Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.


“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother


Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg



Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun


Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.


I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.


Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.


Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink


Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.