My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.