When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
How animals would run if they were human