Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday