Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
You Might Also Like
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Bloody internet 😳
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!