@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

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@PeterKlesken

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

@_The_Man__

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

@mdob11

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

@sixthformpoet

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.

@mixedmediapaper

i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

@P1ssed_K1d

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday