Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?

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*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date


“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows


[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger


spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂


Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?


– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.


Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?


Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.