@hurlarious

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

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@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@momTruthBomb

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

@humanaaron

[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@leakypod

spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@jellybnbonanza

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.