Intelligence is the new cleavage
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts