[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me