Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.
– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.
– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!
This is just the best forever