@kornelski

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

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@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@truegritrumble

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

@truegritrumble

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

@mommajessiec

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

@TheTweetOfGod

Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!