My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!