[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears
ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!
RANGER: What did I just say!?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.