@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

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@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

@secondhand_cake

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@TheMomAtLaw

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@Brampersandon_

RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?

@eff_yeah_steph

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@dave_cactus

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

@Lisabug74

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.