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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house