*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”

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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!


If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room


Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.


You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket


ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships


Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.


i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it


wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.