God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.