Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
#SCOTUS one-star review
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise