Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
peak technology
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.