Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Him: What are you doing?
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: Oh baby, that’s the spot.
Murderer: Please stop saying that.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!