@ilovepie84

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

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@BoogTweets

Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@theshantilly

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

@NewDadNotes

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@thepunningman

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

@AimeeHelene1

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!