intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
#parenting
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
😬
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism