*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what