*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

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“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”

*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*


wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car


“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]


EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.


i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


I told myself that I wouldn’t drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.


[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but