*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on