*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
The news is so predictable nowadays
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
see next tweet for some translations
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car