I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…
Two ninjas walk into a bar.
Or do they?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
“That’s what” – She
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first