Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.