Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?


My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.


Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked


wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”