Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.


5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.


Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…


I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.


The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.


I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.


it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first