#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
This is the one
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101