Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
look at me when i’m typing to you
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.