School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”