@ibid78

[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on

You Might Also Like

@Mr_Kapowski

Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th

@Staggfilms

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

@Sephira

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@truegritrumble

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@CrackYouWhip

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@Lisaley

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@shannabanana67

Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*