@ibid78

[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on

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@jdforshort

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

@

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@DaddyBeerGuy

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

@nbadag

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

@VaguelyFunnyDan

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@TheAlexNevil

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

@anniemalistics

Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late

@XnotafunnyladyX

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.