[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
What?!?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man