My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
FINE, I WON’T.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.