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Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.


Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.


[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either


Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone


Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.


Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.