Just ordered me some pizza!
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Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.