*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.

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[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]


Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.


When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.


ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.


Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.


What do we want?
When do we want them?


my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.