*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Ummm