I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.