*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
A little too much information.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door