Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?