[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today